'Dogs need holidays,mini-breaks and outings too,and there are doggy hotels for £100 a night,including freshly baked Aga biscuits,' writes Rowell
Credit: Jeff Gilbert
We’re a generous and open-handed nation,we Britons,when it comes to our pets,cosseting,mollycoddling and treating them as privileged members of our family. Just in our household,for example,our dog quite obviously outranks me in importance and pack leadership,despite being just a six-year-old,common-or-garden,cheerful cockapoo.
I’ve never sought to establish the precise pecking order within our family group – because I might come last. However,the news that the Hinduja brothers,Britain’s richest family,with a worth of £37 billion,are claimed to spend £7,615 on their dog every year came as a welcome opportunity to conduct an audit on Dublin the dog (Cost Centre Number Two; my wife is number one,obviously),and hopefully claw back a little cash.
“How much does Dublin cost every year?” I begin by asking my wife,because it is she who controls the purse strings around Pet Provision; I would have only a vague recollection of a few chunky figures scattered across credit card statements,and,prima facie,I wouldn’t be certain that we spend less than the billionaire brothers – and they have a villa in Switzerland. We are in Tooting.
But my wife can’t speak because she’s watching a video of a dog that plays basketball. Yet I persist.
“How much,do we spend on her ridiculous food each year?” Because our dog,from birth,has had freshly made food hand-delivered to our doorstep,which I’m not sure is normal for dogs. Except,now I come to think about it,this might be my fault because I once wrote a piece about how much better it is for your dog if you make your own dog food – so easy,a small discipline,and so on – but was too lazy to continue making her food every week.
“We’re not changing her food,” my wife now offers,after pausing a video of a dog on a motorbike. “She’s never had a day’s illness,and that must be partly her food.”
So I go to the website of our healthy fresh food provider,Butternut Box,and work out the cost,and find we’re spending more than £1,000 a year. On dog food! On top of this are £300 worth of branded treats (hmm… yes,I also gave up my idea of drying lamb’s liver in the oven as treats for Dublin,because it stank out the house),plus a product called Smile Sticks,intended to clean your dog’s teeth,and the total comes to nearly £1,500 a year. A sum you could handsomely dine out on. In fact,I could go to our local Michelin-starred French place every month for a year,table for one. Then I go to the “cost of owning a dog” page on the Battersea Dogs Home website (“it typically costs around £2,000 per year to take care of a dog”) and find the typical medium-sized pooch is fed and watered for £400 per annum.
“We’re not changing it,” my wife says flatly.
Rowell and his wife spend £6,527 a year on their cockapoo,Dublin,including toothpaste that is £13 a tube
Credit: Jeff Gilbert
Even though she has never been ill,our dog still requires health insurance (£480 a year),because of the scandalous venality of vets. And then there are regular check-ups with our vet (£250-300 a year),who is actually a moderately charging,caring chap,who does something unspeakable (if necessary – though I would never undertake it) to our dog’s bottom each time,for free. Other health incidentals include flea tablets (£7 – each); and then,just last month,Dublin needed to have a small growth removed,which,although it turned out to be benign,cost us £120 in insurance excess (and higher premiums next year,no doubt).
Although she is physically fit,our dog has struggled with her mental health. I can’t quite believe this now,but in her first three years,she saw four dog psychologists (£160 an hour) and numberless trainers (£50 a pop). It’s probably the poodle (highly strung) in her,but frankly they might have more profitably examined the heads of the owners. Still,I think I got a couple of pieces for newspapers out of this racket,so I suppose we have to put these into Dublin’s earnings,especially as she did the photo shoots. Otherwise I find Dublin has lifetime earnings of a £40 doggy day care voucher won in a dog show. It’s not looking good for her in the figures so far,is it? This is like Jeremy Clarkson vs Kaleb in that farm show where they compete for how much money they can make for a particular field/patch of brambles.
Now,hair and make-up: our dog’s grooming is £90 a pop,four times a year. Godliness is next to dogliness,obviously,but that’s more than my barber. Except Dublin attends a “holistic grooming salon”,by which they seem to mean she receives one-to-one attention,although they don’t have room for other dogs,anyway. I did once try to take her to the cheaper salon round the corner (£70),but she complained.
Only the finest salons will do for Dublin
Credit: Clara Molden
And what about clothing and accessories? If there’s one thing our household firmly believes in,it’s that clothes make the dog. Once a year,Dublin enjoys a new collar (£85),matching lead (£105) and coat (£225) from Lish London,high-end canine couturiers (Harvey Nicks,Selfridges and so on). I must say the leads are well made and last,but so would a chain. Apparently,though,my wife,a former fashion editor,knows the designer and gets a discount – but they always say that,don’t they? I cross Lish off from next year’s budget.
It’s a similar story with all the dog-related tat,mainly plastic,that my wife buys,and for which I believe she keeps a secret Amazon account. Balls,dog chews,muzzles,toothbrushes,gel cooling mats,beds (three,all extruded nylon),whistles,ball launchers… My investigations get no further than estimating £100 of plastic a year,but do throw up one startling extra: her toothpaste costs £13 a tube,lasting a month.
Dogs need holidays,including freshly baked Aga biscuits. Residential care typically costs £450 a week to stick on your holiday budget. As for doggy day care,for when your dog gets lonely and a bit enervated while you’re at work,costs have rocketed in the past two years. During Dublin’s first three years,we paid £40,twice a week,for her to enjoy a minibus outing with other dogs,but now you can double that,especially if your pet is picked up from and dropped off at home like ours is. In all,the cost of doggy day care and two holidays for a typical family could be £3,000 per year,which would be a blow-out holiday for one.
There are lifestyle costs,but also lifetime ones: I’m not an accountant but Dublin is still paying off her purchase price (£2,000),plus damage to furniture as a puppy (thousands),and then… well,we were sadly reminded last week by the death of a neighbour’s dog (a chap who impressed the whole street once by attending “doggy borstal”,a residential canine behavioural centre that cost more than Harrow) that one day you may even have to cremate your pet: £400.
Which has made me realise that whatever we’ve spent on our dog – and I don’t even want to tot it up – she’s worth every pound.
But just in case it could prove salutary for other members of our household,I do add it all up and,allowing doggy day care at one day a week and an annual holiday at £3,000 (if we didn’t shamelessly exploit our fantastic cleaner,Elena,who currently insists on looking after Dublin for free when we’re away),it reaches a grand total of £6,527. Which,as I explain to my wife and dog,puts us firmly in the billionaire bracket and is great news.
She’s spared the pound for now.
